Honest Expressions of the Radically Banal Internet Exile

I know it's been awhile since my last post (eleven days, to be exact) but I'm still the two-fisted battler of Claremont and discontinuity, and it's time to get back to work.  First off, Claremont is taking the reins of Exiles, meaning I will be taking leave of Exiles.  I know what you're saying.  "That's not fair.  You haven't even read it yet."  Bull.  I saw the cover and he's bringing in Psylocke, more than likely 616-Psylocke.  You know, the character he loved so much he brought her back to life, after having killed her in the first place.  And she's wearing the hooker-ninja outfit of the 90's.  Claremont sucks.  Hard.

Geoff Johns.  Oh, Geoff, what are you doing?  When you started Teen Titans, it was fresh and entertainingly awesome in every way Awesome Entertainment wasn't.  Then One Year Later kicks in, and what do we get.  Rehashed Titans storylines from the 80's.  A Titans traitor?  From the year we didn't see?  Having to choose from characters we don't care about?  Lame.  And with Kid Devil's revelation, we get a rehash of the Raven/Trigon storyline.  Ugh.  Johns!  Originality!  Please!  P.S. Justice Society of America kicked all the ass Justice League of America were to busy sitting down to get to.

Marvel has finally given us our Civil War fix, but Spencer Carnage has already done a pretty good job of reviewing them.  I would put up a link, but I have been unable to make it work on this thing and I refuse to put up a link again until I get it right.  Besides, bottom line?  Tony's a dick, Speedball's back, the French know how to adventure, and five bucks for the comic equivalent of a cheesy clip show is downright appalling.  Oh, and Kingpin is king.  Checkmate.

Brian Azzarello makes me happy I own the entire collection of Who's Who.  Tales of the Unexpected is worth the price for just the Dr. Thriteen backstory.  Just skip over the overly depressing Spectre story.

Just wanted to chime in on things and let everyone know I'm still in it, guns blazin'!  Till next time.

If I ever get hit by radioactive chemicals, find out I am really the last member of an extraterrestrial race, or spin myself around until I become supersmart, I know what kind of hero I would be.

                                                             

I'd be the Phantom Stranger.

If I developed telepathy and heard people thinking about crimes they were going to or have commited, I would just show up at crime scenes, block out my presence for everyone but the lead cop and give him slightly vague, yet obvious clues, and disappear into the night.  No muss, no fuss.  

If I got superhuman prowess of some kind, yeah, I might do some of the legwork.  But ultimately, I'd pass info off cryptically, using my strength and speed to race off quickly and disappear before they can spot me.

Why the Stranger?

Because he basically does nothing.  Every time there's a global crisis, Stranger's either saying how he can't interfere or pointing out the obvious.  And that's exactly the kind of hero you need to be in this litigious world.  "Guy broke into your house trying to stop your abusive husband?  Hey, what's me, I just told him the woman looked a little roughed up."  Can't blame me for shite.

Plus, how many other heroes can pull off a medallion of that size?

We start today with a flashback.  In Fatal Attractions, Xavier, fed up with Magneto's endless machinations and pulling out Wolverine's adamantium, mindwipes Mags and Colossus decides to look after the Vegetable of Magnetism.  While spoon-feeding Mags his daily mush, Peter would talk with his new charge about the bond of commonality, having both lost their families and being powerless to stop it.  Peter bemoans, "I, who have the ability to move mountains, stood by powerless as my own sister died simply because she was a mutant."  Okay, I thought she died because she contracted the Legacy Virus created by the clone of Cyclops's son.  Even ignoring the intent of the virus, if she contracted cancer, would he still have lost faith in the Xavier's dream?  Moving a mountain can't fix diabetes, either.

Back to the present, Magneto spends panel after panel making his point about mutants having to strike back against the humans, but now adding how Colossus' idiotic sacrifice of his life to cure the Legacy gave him his army.  Voght, lurking in the shadows, wonders how it came to this.  Who could have forseen giving Magneto, the guy who debuted STEALING NUKES, an island nation of mutants after he tried to reverse the Earth's poles could lead to him threatening the world with an army of mutants?  It's unimaginable.

Back on the X-Jet, Northstar begins to realize Cargill, the former Acolyte, is helping because Jean warped her brain.  And you thought Zatanna was first.  Jean, after telepathically explaining to Paulie how being invulnerable works, decides to hold a telepathic Danger Room, to get the new kids battle ready without all the unnecessary experience.  Linking everyone to the obviously traumatized Dazzler, who still is pressed into service, we learn why she came to the mansion all haggardy.

  Age of Apocalypse Babies!  And they killed Longshot!  And Baby Apocalypse has the most delightful lisp!

Dazzler breaks down crying, explaining that she came to Xavier's for help, wanting to find out if Longshot and the X-Babies are really dead.  But before they can turn the ship around and fight in Mojoworld, the X-Jet is taken out of the sky and they fall right into the middle of Genosha's new coliseum, where Magneto awaits, "Mutants Must Kill Humans" speech already prepared.  He's nothing if not focused.

Cyclops and Wolverine notice the roar of the mutant army and run to what they think is the arrival of Jean and real X-Men.  Which I guess excuses Wolverine's dismissal of Polaris's help, saying she should "use your magnetic powers to make sure these people get to Wakanda safely."  Then he promptly gives her the 'finger'

Back in the coliseum, Jean finds Xavier slightly crucified with his eyes kept open and his mind 'blank'.  Dazzler, so hurt after seeing Xavier the man who has done so much for them (well, not her personally since he was gone by the time she joined the X-Men) strung up and well, he has not blood or bruises on him, but he must be uncomfortable, absorbs the crowds cheers and shoots a photon barrage at Mags, which he then uses to   incinerate Dazzler.  And the best part?  Northstar summing up this clusterfuck.  "You all know I am not one to criticize but perhaps we might have spent a little more time discussing strategy before our arrival?"  It skirts that fine line of callousness, snarkiness, and truthfulness.  How can this possibly end well?

It doesn't.

To Be Concluded....

The final day and I was really getting desperate.  Marvel keeps the tightest lid on it's mistakes.  But I have pledged to bring them to you, and bring them I shall.


05.  How do you call when Dr. Strange is busy fighting Dormammu, Scarlet Witch is having another breakdown, Agatha Harkness is dead-again, and Wong won't answer the door?      With his eye not of Agamotto, cloak not of levitation and semi-superhero suit, the not that great Doctor is a "master of certain special disciplines of the mystical arts," but I can't stress this enough, "cannot be considered as a sorcerer."  More appropriately, he's a hypnotist and a medium?, I guess.  But, I can't stress this enough, his abilities "does not qualify him as a mystic."  I'm sorry, but when I see a man in a robe offering supernatural aide, he damn well better be a sorcerer.


04.  I may catch some hits from this, but I really can't see why anyone would like      His one-piece tunic with the black heart logo and that never-lose chain attached to his German Luger just makes me think this is the biggest loser in the mercenary business.  And that part in his hair really gets to me.  If I could just send a comb through the page, ARGH!!!!  


03.  If there was one one word that made any comic book reader cringe in the 90's, it was "clone."  And while the Spider-Clone may be the one everyone thinks of first, the real first lame clone was      Ahh, there's nothing like nipples on a suit of armor.  And that frigging headpiece had to be held up with telekinesis, because it looks like it can break necks.  And we get it, "Stryfe" you're a bad guy, but why the hell are all those spikes on your suit when you have no intention of fighting one on one?  And what really brings him down is his connection to Cable's convoluted future-past-clone-father-son battles through time that pretty much amount to nothing now.  Why?  Stryfe's dead.  When?  In the Gambit and Bishop mini series.  Not taken out by his nemesis Cable or during some overblown crossover.  He died in a mini-series for two guys who can't hold their own series.  How your metallic nipples feel about that?


02.  Getting back to Marvel's fad jumping, we have     His claim to fame, an implant in his skull allows him to pick up Citizen's Band radio.  His brother, Jefferson, was chosen by a race of aliens known as the Aliens to become a starship pilots because of "their experience with the solitude of open road, which was much like that of space."  Know who else would make good spaceship pilots?  ASTRONAUTS!  But that's neither here nor there.  Anyway, Jefferson was given a souped up big rig(called the Blackrig) with remote control, Jefferson become the Highwayman, robbing other truckers, then faked his death, injuring U.S. in the process.  The Aliens had the requisite "Oh shit, we back the wrong horse" moment and saved U.S. by giving him his "C.B. Skull" and the US1, a souped up big rig of his own.  Battles with his brother, a new starship big rig, Razorback and a guest appearance in the Sensational She-Hulk are all in this man's future, but having the Aliens give him an implant that picks up C.B. and his own series is almost the height of absurdity.  Who were all these kids that were into big rigs and aliens at the same time?  And a guy with the initials U.S.A. who happens to dress in red, white, and blue?  Not subtle at all.  U.S. had two pages in the Marvel Legacy: The 1980's Handbook, whereas the Avengers had only one.  Where's the justice? 


To really get to the top of this list is something special.  There are characters that are created to be lame, and if they're not instantly washed away into limbo, someone else may pick them up, dust them off, and give them a new shine.  Look at the Great Lakes Avengers.  While still the Great Lakes Avengers, a writer has made them interesting and funny, in not a totally let's-laugh-at-them way.  But there is one character roaming the Marvel background that resists all efforts at reform.  He was created to be a joke and continues to be a joke, even after multiple appearances, spanning decades.  You know him as:


01.      Look at that Kirbyesque nightmare.  The earnest smile says, "I'm here to help, citizen!', while the costume says, "Punch me repeatedly."  Even his powers at lame.  He lifts nine tons, fly at a whopping sixty miles an hour and see through walls.  It's like someone told him he would have powers far beyond those of ordinary men, but far below those of extraordinary men.  And what really tops it off?  You know how the Martian Manhunter gets with a raging fire, Ultra gets with a lit match.  He tried to join the Frightful Four after reading an ad in the newspaper and next he tried to join the Defenders after watching a report about them on TV.  If the Champions put out a radio ad, it would complete the trifecta.  And while having no name, we know he's really a plumber, which has to get him way more respect than wearing that costume.

There you have it, good buddies.  I had some fun and that's a big ten-four.  But this convoy has the mosey down the road and I'll shout a "Hey, Y'all!" when I see you.  HEE-YAH!!!

Before I begin,   debuted in Superman #281 which was published in November 1974.

Back to the main, the pen ultimate chapter of MARVEL LAMEST starts off with:


10.    We all know Adam Warlock , the archenemy of Thanos and centerpiece of those Infinity crossovers in the 90's.  Back before he died the first time, he came across his future self, the Magus who was the God of the Universal Church of Truth, that used torture and force to spread it's power.  The Magus tricked Warlock into being sent to a limbo by the In-Betweener, where he had to listen to Lord Chaos and Master Order whispering that good and evil were lies and other nonsense for centuries.  As anyone who had to listen to two giant heads would do, Warlock went insane and emerged from a self-imposed cocoon as the Magus, in s weird self-fulfilling paradox that by all logic should not happen.  And not only did the rebirth change his skin color but also   hit him with the cosmic blow out kit.  Why is Warlock's evil self a purple Negro?  This offends me more than NFL Superhero.  Almost.


09.  Speaking of bringing down our race,     does it better than most.  A high school drop out street punk, the Hustler was chosen to perform at the "prestigious discotheque", Beyond Forever, but instead robbed the owner using the hypnotic goggles every street punk has and the entrancing voices of his backup singers, the Mercy Killers.  If they were true to their name, they would have put the Hustler out of our misery.  Spider-Man took care of him and has never been heard from since.


08.  Looking to induce vomiting?  Here's      Having three times the strength, speed and endurance of a normal man, Charles "Chuck" Chandler had to switch space with his brother Harold "Hal" Chandler in order to run around in the god-awful suit, amusing criminals and Skrulls alike.  Well, actually that's not the real way it works, that's just a sensible interpretation.  The real way is that Chuck's experimental spaceship was bathed in Skrull engine radiation and he had to crash land.  Hal was watching the landing and ran to meet his irridated brother when Chuck vanished in a burst of light.  Later, Hal noticed his glasses now had one green lens and one red lens, with a man's image imprinted on both.  When Hal blurred his vision to combine the man shaped silhouettes, he became the 3-D Man; Chuck in his radiated suit.  So, it's like looking at one of those 3-D posters and suddenly becoming a schooner.


07.        Any questions?


06.  I leave you today with    JESUS!  Oh, wait, that's   His father was a scientist on another planet that learned of his planet's destruction, so he sent his infant son to Earth.  Except, Wundarr(his real name)'s father had it wrong and the planet didn't explode.  Or maybe he just wasn't ready for parenthood.  Wundarr was educated in suspended animation so when released he "acted mentally and emotionally retarded."  Direct quote.  He came to be joined with the Cosmic Cube and came out as the flowing sleeved, bearded man you see before you, "to bring peace and enlightenment to the world."  Maybe he is Jesus.

I got a request for a MARVEL LAMEST list and I had to think for a second.  Marvel has a lot more shame than DC, and you'd be hard pressed to find a truly cringe-worthy character in their Handbooks.

Then I remembered the 1970's Handbook.  And hope was restored.

What really sets up Marvel for a LAMEST list is the fact there is no fad they won't jump on.  And I think the

TWENTY SIX LAMEST CHARACTERS IN THE MARVEL 

HANDBOOKS

should start with the lamest bunch of Eval Knievels outside of, well, I don't know how to end that one.  Anyway:


26-21.      Man, I wish Marvel had the official logos with their sourcebook entries.  These handbooks are way too technical.  Anyway, the Thunderiders are the absolute worst thing that HYDRA ever produced.  In Project: New Genesis, their mothers were subject to all kinds of weird mutagenic compounds so that their kids would be mentally linked supersoldiers.  When the babies showed no potential, they were given back.  Now, I'm not one for infanticide, but if you could kill Hitler...

So, these kids grow up and because of the drugs involved in their births, became proficient in motorcycles.  ,  and    came together first, meeting in Daytona for various reasons.  James McDonald (Honcho) was an ex-CIA agent investigating HYDRA, Winthrop Roan, Jr. (ugh, R.U. Reddy, I'd rather be Winthrop) was hoping to get hired as a racer, and Wolf (apparently, no one bothered to name the latino) apparently to look at motorcycles.  God, help me this is the most excruciating thing I've ever had to write.  Bear with me, it gets complicated.  See, the babies weren't normal after all.  They have the ability to combine their abilities and prowess into another person, with no effect on themselves.  This person becomes The Marauder  with the suit and motorcycle coming from nowhere and starts doing things the guys themselves have no knowledge of.  The Marauder infiltrated a HYDRA base and erased the babies information from their databanks, yet HYDRA was able to find the names of Honcho, Wolf and Reddy and send an assassin to kill them.  Meaning, the three of them combined, still can't get the job done right.  Anyway, the three motomigos separately elude the assassin, find a note from the Marauder, and decide to join up in costumes and motorcycles to battle HYDRA.  And then they manage to foil HYDRA's attempt to steal a guidance system that a Japanese team was using in the Unlimited Class Racing competition.  Jesus Christ, HYDRA must have had lean pickings in the 80's, because this is the saddest story I've ever heard.  The three superhero motorcycle riders became known as TEAM AMERICA.  Yeah, that's right.

Two more members were picked up    and  , And they start touring the country in Leonard Hebb(Wrench)'s souped up Winnebago.  They learn later about their HYDRA origins and finally find out that The Marauder is Georgianna Sue Castleberry, Wrench's girlfriend, who the three original members didn't even know about, yet somehow they were sending her their abilities to be The Marauder, and she was in no way connected with the New Genesis program, so why wasn't any random person in their lives picked?  Let's get her up there    And just for that extra 'ha', Cowboy's real name is Lucas Merriweather.  These clowns worked with the Thing, the New Mutants and Captain freakin' America.  They renamed themselves the Thunderiders after they lost the rights to the name Team America.  Matt and Trey work fast.  God, you don't know how hard it was to get through this.  They have two pages in the Marvel Handbook in that little print so the back story is thick with retarded stories about secret missions and foiling HYDRA like they were agents of SHIELD.  They're not even superhumanly strong and carry weapons.  Their motorcycles are normal, too.  How the hell did they fight off anyone?

Well, this one's in the bag and while you out there may get a kick out of reading about these stunt cycle douches, I'll pretend this list goes only to twenty and this entry never happened.

Bad-bye.

Two finales in two days.  I'm successful!  Anyway, to top off this first Expressions event, I think I should follow closely to the guidelines of what I wanted to do with this blog.  That's right.  This post is completely random.

First, not everything worth mentioning about those old Who's Whos were completely lame.  I found a few gems.  Such as:


This early Matt Wagner work: 

The fact that Dawnstar looks a lot like Eliza Dushku:      Weird.


Sportsmaster can look cool: 


and lastly, the character I found to be original and dark, and would love to write:    He unwittingly sold his soul to be the greatest warrior of his world and embarked on a campaign to cleanse evil in order for the demon to return his soul.  He looks like an evil Peter Pan.  Freakin' sweet.


Again, I have not finished my pile of comics but I was pleased by the ones I did read.    Punisher War Journal #1, vol. 2 was an interesting reintroduction of Punisher into the mainstream Marvel continuity.  He starts off MAX style with the skull T-shirt, but then dons the traditional white boots and gloves suit when he involves himself in the Civil War.  What really gets me is how well the tie-ins Punisher War Journal and Amazing Spider-Man #536    expound on the story in Civil War #5.  It makes it seem as though they're all working together for the story, or just making up for Millar's plotholes.  

I was disappointed with Supergirl and the Legion of Super-Heroes #24  , though.  You have the Legion being harassed and outmatched by the Legion of Super-Villains and the perfect moment to have Mon-El blow out of the Phantom Zone and kick some ass is passed over to have Supergirl show off her ability to read.  I don't know where Mark Waid is going with this.  I don't think he's working of the old Superboy storyline where Kon-El Superboy put Valor in the Phantom Zone to save his life and probably not going off Mon-El being the world-seeder of legend.  I really wanted that moment where he flew out and went all superhero-y.


Finally, I want to thank all of you for finding me interesting.  It's been a good week and I got a comment from a Canadian rocker, so it's all been worth it.  Later, folks.