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How Not To Plan A Revolution

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Dec. 7th, 2006 | 11:10 pm

We start today with a flashback.  In Fatal Attractions, Xavier, fed up with Magneto's endless machinations and pulling out Wolverine's adamantium, mindwipes Mags and Colossus decides to look after the Vegetable of Magnetism.  While spoon-feeding Mags his daily mush, Peter would talk with his new charge about the bond of commonality, having both lost their families and being powerless to stop it.  Peter bemoans, "I, who have the ability to move mountains, stood by powerless as my own sister died simply because she was a mutant."  Okay, I thought she died because she contracted the Legacy Virus created by the clone of Cyclops's son.  Even ignoring the intent of the virus, if she contracted cancer, would he still have lost faith in the Xavier's dream?  Moving a mountain can't fix diabetes, either.

Back to the present, Magneto spends panel after panel making his point about mutants having to strike back against the humans, but now adding how Colossus' idiotic sacrifice of his life to cure the Legacy gave him his army.  Voght, lurking in the shadows, wonders how it came to this.  Who could have forseen giving Magneto, the guy who debuted STEALING NUKES, an island nation of mutants after he tried to reverse the Earth's poles could lead to him threatening the world with an army of mutants?  It's unimaginable.

Back on the X-Jet, Northstar begins to realize Cargill, the former Acolyte, is helping because Jean warped her brain.  And you thought Zatanna was first.  Jean, after telepathically explaining to Paulie how being invulnerable works, decides to hold a telepathic Danger Room, to get the new kids battle ready without all the unnecessary experience.  Linking everyone to the obviously traumatized Dazzler, who still is pressed into service, we learn why she came to the mansion all haggardy.

  Age of Apocalypse Babies!  And they killed Longshot!  And Baby Apocalypse has the most delightful lisp!

Dazzler breaks down crying, explaining that she came to Xavier's for help, wanting to find out if Longshot and the X-Babies are really dead.  But before they can turn the ship around and fight in Mojoworld, the X-Jet is taken out of the sky and they fall right into the middle of Genosha's new coliseum, where Magneto awaits, "Mutants Must Kill Humans" speech already prepared.  He's nothing if not focused.

Cyclops and Wolverine notice the roar of the mutant army and run to what they think is the arrival of Jean and real X-Men.  Which I guess excuses Wolverine's dismissal of Polaris's help, saying she should "use your magnetic powers to make sure these people get to Wakanda safely."  Then he promptly gives her the 'finger'

Back in the coliseum, Jean finds Xavier slightly crucified with his eyes kept open and his mind 'blank'.  Dazzler, so hurt after seeing Xavier the man who has done so much for them (well, not her personally since he was gone by the time she joined the X-Men) strung up and well, he has not blood or bruises on him, but he must be uncomfortable, absorbs the crowds cheers and shoots a photon barrage at Mags, which he then uses to   incinerate Dazzler.  And the best part?  Northstar summing up this clusterfuck.  "You all know I am not one to criticize but perhaps we might have spent a little more time discussing strategy before our arrival?"  It skirts that fine line of callousness, snarkiness, and truthfulness.  How can this possibly end well?

It doesn't.

To Be Concluded....

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