To All Crappy Things, A Crappy Ending
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Dec. 9th, 2006 | 12:05 am
Previously in Lobdell's farewell to the X-Men, the recently cured mutants of Genosha united under the banner of Magneto declared war on humanity, and Magneto wanted Xavier up close and personal for the start. The X-Men, consisting of Cyclops, Jean Grey and Wolverine, decide to get their professor back so Cyke and Logan go to infiltrate Genosha while Jean recruits help. She grabs the first losers she can find including an invulnerable mobster, a dork with invisible skin and Sunfire's arrogant younger sister. Others join them but it's not five minutes into Genosha when Magneto drags them down and kills Dazzler who came to the X-Men to find her maybe dead husband and save the kids in her care. And wasn't she pregnant the last time she was in X-Men? Why is she not worried about her kid? Anyway, the conclusion...
After offing Dazzler, Magneto gets treated to Jean Grey's 'mean face' but she does absolutely nothing for most of this book. Mind you, she is hands down THE most powerful member of any team of X-Men she's on (which is probably why she dies so much) but Magneto really starts wrecking shop on her collection of goons and she does nothing.
He tries to pull Paulie apart, but he's invulnerable so that's out. Northstar tries the old hit him as fast as he can trick, but Magneto incorrectly claims Quicksilver is faster than Northstar, who can go the speed of light while Pietro tops out at the speed of sound, then catches Northstar. Still holding Paulie, Mags decides to kill two birds with one stone and sends Paulie into orbit and frees Northstar to go after him. That's not fair. He obliterates Dazzler, but gives Paulie, freakin' Paulie, a break? That's balls. Anyway, Cargill steps up to get beat down and is not disappointed. Wolverine and Cyclops gets to the doors of the coliseum, where again Wolverine and his damn special lettering starts worrying after Cyclops like a mother hen. Back up, Logan. Apparently, Logan was waiting for Cyclops to bitch about Logan taking out two guards while Cyclops's wife is facing down the X-Men's worst enemy. Focus Logan! It's the Eve of Destruction!
Sunfire's sister, having removed the mask she was wearing for some unknown reason, attacks Magneto by covering him in molten iron somehow. I understand the fire she was projecting, but the iron came from nowhere. He encases her in the iron he was held in, and though Jean still does nothing she thinks this little pre-Iraq gem.
"If you don't stop a problem at the source, tomorrow's battle is bound to be on your doorstep."
Next up is Hector, he of the invisible skin, and this should be a cakewalk. But Hector has the ability to make other people's skin invisible as well, with the added side effect of an 'ice cream headache'. That boy is dangerous, I swear. Magneto doesn't think so and swats him away like a gnat. Cyclops and Wolverine step in and we get a helmet fight. Lame. Ass. Mags was then going to reenact Fatal Attractions, this time with Logan taking a dirt nap, when Xavier's was freed while Magneto went to town beating on the rookies and puts the kibosh on Magneto's powers. And guess what else(though it shouldn't be surprising)? Dazzler's alive and has been using holograms to disguise herself as Xavier. Then she says the most retarded, most obvious statement ever put to paper. Of course you knew Magneto would use his magnetic power against you. He uses it against EVERYONE!!! And what was Jean doing this whole time? Hiding Amelia while she freed Charles. And Magneto's reaction to having his greatest moment stomped? "No hard feelings, old friend." Embarrassed me in front of my subjects and prevented me from starting my genetic cleansing of the vile humans, but what the hell? Same time, next year?
God! And then Wolverine impales a defenseless man and leaves him lying on the dirt for his followers to look after. Man, the X-Men are lucky Cassandra Nova executed the Genoshans, because Logan just made a martyr out of Magneto. And the X-Losers? They all leave with way more baggage then they came in with, both literally and figuratively. Hell, Sunfire's sister just showed up in costume, but she's leaving with two big suitcases. And Dazzler just leaves, and the Age of Apocalypse Babes in Mojoworld is never mentioned again. I think Lobdell literally phoned in this storyline. Joe Q.:"Hey, Scott. Well, we got Morrison to take over X-Men and well, let's just face it. You're done." Scott:"Okay, have Jean, Logan and Scott grab some losers and fight Magneto in Genosha, and uhh, have Logan gut Magneto in the end." Joe Q.:"Thanks, Scott." Scott:"Go to hell, Joe."
Thus ends the Dark Age of the X-Men. Wait, Claremont was still active in this time. But Morrison came in and there was actually a light to outshine the crap.