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New Books This Week

Dec. 2nd, 2006 | 12:56 pm

What the hell?!  I get  expecting the new Morrison story arc and see Ostrander's name under the title.  AND it's some lame out of continuity storyline about some crazy plastic surgeon.  And Leslie Thompkins there like she didn't let Stephanie Brown die.  ARGH!  Where the deuce are my ninja Man-Bats?!?

As the readers of 52 must by now know, the power of the DC LAMEST LIST was in full effect.  A week after I announced that  was the LAMEST CHARACTER IN THE WHO"S WHO, guess who shows up to eradicate Bruce Wayne's figurative demons?  (One of)The new Ten-Eyed Man    Now, it's a cult of guys with extrasensory perception, with the eyeball-painted fingertips as a way to scare the norms.  Still, time will only tell if Captain Ultra will be seen registering or being pitched into the N-Zone prison.

This regular posting for the past two weeks has really done a number on me.  I didn't realize how exhausting it would be trying to fit this in everyday, especially with the holidays and extra workload at my job.  But it has been fun and now I have think of some new week long themes to try out here.  Maybe not next week, though.  I need some time to not be blogging and scanning.

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MARVEL LAMEST, FINALE

Dec. 2nd, 2006 | 12:20 am

The final day and I was really getting desperate.  Marvel keeps the tightest lid on it's mistakes.  But I have pledged to bring them to you, and bring them I shall.


05.  How do you call when Dr. Strange is busy fighting Dormammu, Scarlet Witch is having another breakdown, Agatha Harkness is dead-again, and Wong won't answer the door?      With his eye not of Agamotto, cloak not of levitation and semi-superhero suit, the not that great Doctor is a "master of certain special disciplines of the mystical arts," but I can't stress this enough, "cannot be considered as a sorcerer."  More appropriately, he's a hypnotist and a medium?, I guess.  But, I can't stress this enough, his abilities "does not qualify him as a mystic."  I'm sorry, but when I see a man in a robe offering supernatural aide, he damn well better be a sorcerer.


04.  I may catch some hits from this, but I really can't see why anyone would like      His one-piece tunic with the black heart logo and that never-lose chain attached to his German Luger just makes me think this is the biggest loser in the mercenary business.  And that part in his hair really gets to me.  If I could just send a comb through the page, ARGH!!!!  


03.  If there was one one word that made any comic book reader cringe in the 90's, it was "clone."  And while the Spider-Clone may be the one everyone thinks of first, the real first lame clone was      Ahh, there's nothing like nipples on a suit of armor.  And that frigging headpiece had to be held up with telekinesis, because it looks like it can break necks.  And we get it, "Stryfe" you're a bad guy, but why the hell are all those spikes on your suit when you have no intention of fighting one on one?  And what really brings him down is his connection to Cable's convoluted future-past-clone-father-son battles through time that pretty much amount to nothing now.  Why?  Stryfe's dead.  When?  In the Gambit and Bishop mini series.  Not taken out by his nemesis Cable or during some overblown crossover.  He died in a mini-series for two guys who can't hold their own series.  How your metallic nipples feel about that?


02.  Getting back to Marvel's fad jumping, we have     His claim to fame, an implant in his skull allows him to pick up Citizen's Band radio.  His brother, Jefferson, was chosen by a race of aliens known as the Aliens to become a starship pilots because of "their experience with the solitude of open road, which was much like that of space."  Know who else would make good spaceship pilots?  ASTRONAUTS!  But that's neither here nor there.  Anyway, Jefferson was given a souped up big rig(called the Blackrig) with remote control, Jefferson become the Highwayman, robbing other truckers, then faked his death, injuring U.S. in the process.  The Aliens had the requisite "Oh shit, we back the wrong horse" moment and saved U.S. by giving him his "C.B. Skull" and the US1, a souped up big rig of his own.  Battles with his brother, a new starship big rig, Razorback and a guest appearance in the Sensational She-Hulk are all in this man's future, but having the Aliens give him an implant that picks up C.B. and his own series is almost the height of absurdity.  Who were all these kids that were into big rigs and aliens at the same time?  And a guy with the initials U.S.A. who happens to dress in red, white, and blue?  Not subtle at all.  U.S. had two pages in the Marvel Legacy: The 1980's Handbook, whereas the Avengers had only one.  Where's the justice? 


To really get to the top of this list is something special.  There are characters that are created to be lame, and if they're not instantly washed away into limbo, someone else may pick them up, dust them off, and give them a new shine.  Look at the Great Lakes Avengers.  While still the Great Lakes Avengers, a writer has made them interesting and funny, in not a totally let's-laugh-at-them way.  But there is one character roaming the Marvel background that resists all efforts at reform.  He was created to be a joke and continues to be a joke, even after multiple appearances, spanning decades.  You know him as:


01.      Look at that Kirbyesque nightmare.  The earnest smile says, "I'm here to help, citizen!', while the costume says, "Punch me repeatedly."  Even his powers at lame.  He lifts nine tons, fly at a whopping sixty miles an hour and see through walls.  It's like someone told him he would have powers far beyond those of ordinary men, but far below those of extraordinary men.  And what really tops it off?  You know how the Martian Manhunter gets with a raging fire, Ultra gets with a lit match.  He tried to join the Frightful Four after reading an ad in the newspaper and next he tried to join the Defenders after watching a report about them on TV.  If the Champions put out a radio ad, it would complete the trifecta.  And while having no name, we know he's really a plumber, which has to get him way more respect than wearing that costume.

There you have it, good buddies.  I had some fun and that's a big ten-four.  But this convoy has the mosey down the road and I'll shout a "Hey, Y'all!" when I see you.  HEE-YAH!!!

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Marvel Lamest, Vol. III

Nov. 30th, 2006 | 10:32 pm

Before I begin,   debuted in Superman #281 which was published in November 1974.

Back to the main, the pen ultimate chapter of MARVEL LAMEST starts off with:


10.    We all know Adam Warlock , the archenemy of Thanos and centerpiece of those Infinity crossovers in the 90's.  Back before he died the first time, he came across his future self, the Magus who was the God of the Universal Church of Truth, that used torture and force to spread it's power.  The Magus tricked Warlock into being sent to a limbo by the In-Betweener, where he had to listen to Lord Chaos and Master Order whispering that good and evil were lies and other nonsense for centuries.  As anyone who had to listen to two giant heads would do, Warlock went insane and emerged from a self-imposed cocoon as the Magus, in s weird self-fulfilling paradox that by all logic should not happen.  And not only did the rebirth change his skin color but also   hit him with the cosmic blow out kit.  Why is Warlock's evil self a purple Negro?  This offends me more than NFL Superhero.  Almost.


09.  Speaking of bringing down our race,     does it better than most.  A high school drop out street punk, the Hustler was chosen to perform at the "prestigious discotheque", Beyond Forever, but instead robbed the owner using the hypnotic goggles every street punk has and the entrancing voices of his backup singers, the Mercy Killers.  If they were true to their name, they would have put the Hustler out of our misery.  Spider-Man took care of him and has never been heard from since.


08.  Looking to induce vomiting?  Here's      Having three times the strength, speed and endurance of a normal man, Charles "Chuck" Chandler had to switch space with his brother Harold "Hal" Chandler in order to run around in the god-awful suit, amusing criminals and Skrulls alike.  Well, actually that's not the real way it works, that's just a sensible interpretation.  The real way is that Chuck's experimental spaceship was bathed in Skrull engine radiation and he had to crash land.  Hal was watching the landing and ran to meet his irridated brother when Chuck vanished in a burst of light.  Later, Hal noticed his glasses now had one green lens and one red lens, with a man's image imprinted on both.  When Hal blurred his vision to combine the man shaped silhouettes, he became the 3-D Man; Chuck in his radiated suit.  So, it's like looking at one of those 3-D posters and suddenly becoming a schooner.


07.        Any questions?


06.  I leave you today with    JESUS!  Oh, wait, that's   His father was a scientist on another planet that learned of his planet's destruction, so he sent his infant son to Earth.  Except, Wundarr(his real name)'s father had it wrong and the planet didn't explode.  Or maybe he just wasn't ready for parenthood.  Wundarr was educated in suspended animation so when released he "acted mentally and emotionally retarded."  Direct quote.  He came to be joined with the Cosmic Cube and came out as the flowing sleeved, bearded man you see before you, "to bring peace and enlightenment to the world."  Maybe he is Jesus.

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Marvel Lamest, Vol. III

Nov. 30th, 2006 | 12:29 am

Day three and I'm fiending for more Marvel Handbooks.  I should have bought the new ones when as they came out but they're four bucks and I didn't have a blog then.  Still, I will forge ahead and give you:


15.      What can I say that is not self-evident?  He has alphabet-themed weapons and army training.  I'm at a lost.  He is from the early 00's run of Peter Parker:Spider-Man and is part of a group of ill-conceived characters from the run.  "Typeface".  He'd get more respect as "Assface".


14.      Now, I'm not Legba, but with everything I've heard, seen and read in books, TV and movies, I find it hard to believe a geniune houngan would dress himself up as a giant chicken.  Though he is White America's enemy: a giant black cock.


13.  Speaking of bad costumes,    He's   He's dead.


12.      Where to start, where to start, where, to, start?  Is it the "First Prize" ribbon on his chest, the bad boy studded bracelets, the shoulder strap dog carrier, the tie-up belt, the wide cuff booties, that retarded collar, his red curls, that one-sided face mask with eyehole or the inexplicable snapping of his fingers that makes him oh so lame?  Nah, it's the fact he's a paid assassin.


11.  I'm going to be very up front with this; I used the Marvel Encyclopedia for this one.  I'm sorry, shut up, the new Handbooks haven't made it to the V's.  And how else could I have ended this entry with that motorcycle-riding twit      Around the mid- to late 90's, Marvel struck gold with supernatural themed comics like Ghost Rider, Spirits of Vengeance (GR and Johnny Blaze), Morbius, the Living Vampire, and Nightstalkers.  Always ready to reach too far, Marvel unleashed Michael Badilino, soon to be known as Vengeance, on an unsuspecting public.  Seeking--what's the word?  Oh, right--vengeance on Ghost Rider for blasting his father with hellfire, Badilino sold his soul to Mephisto for the power to kill GR, changed his mind and then joined up with GR.  He was captured by his old enemy Anthony Hellgate (Hellgate?  Badilino?  Where the hell are these names coming from?) and was seemingly destroyed by explosion, but seemingly returned to help GR fight Blackheart.  You know why Ghost Rider is scary?  It's a human skeleton on fire riding a freakin' flaming motorcycle.  You know why Vengeance is not?  Because he's trying so hard to be scarier than Ghost Rider.


Three in the box.  Ready to go.  I be fast and THEY BE SLOW!

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Marvel Lamest, Vol. II

Nov. 28th, 2006 | 10:31 pm

We all know what's this is about so let's jump right into it:


20.      Marcus Daniels was a research assistant who was accidentally bombarded with Darkforce radiation in an experiment to study "black star" radiation.  You receive thirty joules of this radiation for every half hour of BET you watch or every issue of the current Black Panther you read.  Daniels' boss, Dr. Abner Colt, creates a suit to harness the radiation to create solid blackness, then Daniels decides to take up a life of crime.  Origins like these, I have no problem with.  They are the crust of a good superhero pizza.  What I have a problem with is the three separate lightning bolt designs he decided to wear as a man who shoots darkness.  I could understand a light effect to show the darkness swallowing it, but lightning?  That's why he was only a lowly assistant.  And was soon killed after this Handbook was published because he appears in the first issue of the Book of the Dead Handbooks.


19.  Meet   She is the "guiding spirit of the universe" who finds sentient beings in distress and "reawaken them, to whatever degree they may be made aware, to the wonder of the universe."  Also,    she's Whoopi Goldberg.


18.  You know what Doom does in his spare time, when he's not actively trying to kill or show up Richards, just daydreaming about it?  He creates robots.  Robots such as      Doom would be "games" with the weird looking thing with real people fighting robotic duplicates of their enemies.  Why robotic dupes instead of having two real sets of people fighting each other, who knows?  All in all, this just shows how much therapy Doom really needs.


17.  I think I should put at least one motorcycle yahoo in every section of this list.  Why?  I don't know.  It may have something to do with my last post, but I've totally forgotten it.  Anyway,      is up for almost no other reason than that goddamn scarf.  Washed-up stuntman George Smith was starving to death in the Bowery in NYC when he was offered $1000 by the villain Crime-Wave to kill Daredevil.  Then, this destitute man manages to set up a motorcycle to almost fly.  Why is he broke when he can make flying mototrcycles?  And with a $1000, no less!

Anyway, what really makes Stunt-Master deserving of this list is the fact that his attack led Daredevil back into active superheroing, after Matt Murdock had promised Karen Page he would quit.  Upset, Karen left and decided to pursue an acting career, which leads her to be spit out the bottom of the porno industry with a heroin habit, which leads her to sell Daredevils secret identity to Kingpin for heroin money.  Yeah, that's right.  Stunt-Master is directly responsible for Matt Murdock being outed as Daredevil in the tabloids, leading to his current troubles.  Thanks, motodouche.


16.  I almost don't want to show this, this soon, but I'm compelled to get this out as soon as possible.  A human somehow manages to travel to the sub-atomic, light years away world of Starron and makes it his home.  When it was discovered the world would eventually explode, this human was sent back to Earth in the 14th century and remained here until the present when a stellar alignment made it possible for him to go back to Starron.  His armor had suction-boots for scaling walls and protected him for space travel, and his rifle made "star-steps" into space    His name:   The year was 1975.  You do the math.

Back tomorrow with more, and maybe better if I can find the newer handbooks they have out, because if I could get my hands on the entry for Joseph, the Magneto clone...

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All Things Being Equal

Nov. 28th, 2006 | 12:05 am

I got a request for a MARVEL LAMEST list and I had to think for a second.  Marvel has a lot more shame than DC, and you'd be hard pressed to find a truly cringe-worthy character in their Handbooks.

Then I remembered the 1970's Handbook.  And hope was restored.

What really sets up Marvel for a LAMEST list is the fact there is no fad they won't jump on.  And I think the

TWENTY SIX LAMEST CHARACTERS IN THE MARVEL 

HANDBOOKS

should start with the lamest bunch of Eval Knievels outside of, well, I don't know how to end that one.  Anyway:


26-21.      Man, I wish Marvel had the official logos with their sourcebook entries.  These handbooks are way too technical.  Anyway, the Thunderiders are the absolute worst thing that HYDRA ever produced.  In Project: New Genesis, their mothers were subject to all kinds of weird mutagenic compounds so that their kids would be mentally linked supersoldiers.  When the babies showed no potential, they were given back.  Now, I'm not one for infanticide, but if you could kill Hitler...

So, these kids grow up and because of the drugs involved in their births, became proficient in motorcycles.  ,  and    came together first, meeting in Daytona for various reasons.  James McDonald (Honcho) was an ex-CIA agent investigating HYDRA, Winthrop Roan, Jr. (ugh, R.U. Reddy, I'd rather be Winthrop) was hoping to get hired as a racer, and Wolf (apparently, no one bothered to name the latino) apparently to look at motorcycles.  God, help me this is the most excruciating thing I've ever had to write.  Bear with me, it gets complicated.  See, the babies weren't normal after all.  They have the ability to combine their abilities and prowess into another person, with no effect on themselves.  This person becomes The Marauder  with the suit and motorcycle coming from nowhere and starts doing things the guys themselves have no knowledge of.  The Marauder infiltrated a HYDRA base and erased the babies information from their databanks, yet HYDRA was able to find the names of Honcho, Wolf and Reddy and send an assassin to kill them.  Meaning, the three of them combined, still can't get the job done right.  Anyway, the three motomigos separately elude the assassin, find a note from the Marauder, and decide to join up in costumes and motorcycles to battle HYDRA.  And then they manage to foil HYDRA's attempt to steal a guidance system that a Japanese team was using in the Unlimited Class Racing competition.  Jesus Christ, HYDRA must have had lean pickings in the 80's, because this is the saddest story I've ever heard.  The three superhero motorcycle riders became known as TEAM AMERICA.  Yeah, that's right.

Two more members were picked up    and  , And they start touring the country in Leonard Hebb(Wrench)'s souped up Winnebago.  They learn later about their HYDRA origins and finally find out that The Marauder is Georgianna Sue Castleberry, Wrench's girlfriend, who the three original members didn't even know about, yet somehow they were sending her their abilities to be The Marauder, and she was in no way connected with the New Genesis program, so why wasn't any random person in their lives picked?  Let's get her up there    And just for that extra 'ha', Cowboy's real name is Lucas Merriweather.  These clowns worked with the Thing, the New Mutants and Captain freakin' America.  They renamed themselves the Thunderiders after they lost the rights to the name Team America.  Matt and Trey work fast.  God, you don't know how hard it was to get through this.  They have two pages in the Marvel Handbook in that little print so the back story is thick with retarded stories about secret missions and foiling HYDRA like they were agents of SHIELD.  They're not even superhumanly strong and carry weapons.  Their motorcycles are normal, too.  How the hell did they fight off anyone?

Well, this one's in the bag and while you out there may get a kick out of reading about these stunt cycle douches, I'll pretend this list goes only to twenty and this entry never happened.

Bad-bye.

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Week Long Finale

Nov. 26th, 2006 | 12:17 am

Two finales in two days.  I'm successful!  Anyway, to top off this first Expressions event, I think I should follow closely to the guidelines of what I wanted to do with this blog.  That's right.  This post is completely random.

First, not everything worth mentioning about those old Who's Whos were completely lame.  I found a few gems.  Such as:


This early Matt Wagner work: 

The fact that Dawnstar looks a lot like Eliza Dushku:      Weird.


Sportsmaster can look cool: 


and lastly, the character I found to be original and dark, and would love to write:    He unwittingly sold his soul to be the greatest warrior of his world and embarked on a campaign to cleanse evil in order for the demon to return his soul.  He looks like an evil Peter Pan.  Freakin' sweet.


Again, I have not finished my pile of comics but I was pleased by the ones I did read.    Punisher War Journal #1, vol. 2 was an interesting reintroduction of Punisher into the mainstream Marvel continuity.  He starts off MAX style with the skull T-shirt, but then dons the traditional white boots and gloves suit when he involves himself in the Civil War.  What really gets me is how well the tie-ins Punisher War Journal and Amazing Spider-Man #536    expound on the story in Civil War #5.  It makes it seem as though they're all working together for the story, or just making up for Millar's plotholes.  

I was disappointed with Supergirl and the Legion of Super-Heroes #24  , though.  You have the Legion being harassed and outmatched by the Legion of Super-Villains and the perfect moment to have Mon-El blow out of the Phantom Zone and kick some ass is passed over to have Supergirl show off her ability to read.  I don't know where Mark Waid is going with this.  I don't think he's working of the old Superboy storyline where Kon-El Superboy put Valor in the Phantom Zone to save his life and probably not going off Mon-El being the world-seeder of legend.  I really wanted that moment where he flew out and went all superhero-y.


Finally, I want to thank all of you for finding me interesting.  It's been a good week and I got a comment from a Canadian rocker, so it's all been worth it.  Later, folks.

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The Lamest, Finale

Nov. 25th, 2006 | 12:12 am

Here we are at last, the spoiled cream of the crop.  It takes a special kind of creation to make it to the top of this list and they are here for various reasons.  Some lack sense, some lack style, and one that truly did not belong in the light of day.  As I have been working all day (freakin' retail), I'll just get right to it.


05.    It's the hat, really.  A citizen of 2447 A.D. Earth-2, Knodar was the only human being who wanted to be a criminal in an era of crimelessness.  Once captured by future police, they specially made that suit to mark him as a "prisoner", since they no longer made prisoner uniforms and read too much Nathaniel Hawthorne.  Wanted badly to go back to a time with crime to be like his ideals, this seemingly retarded individual managed to go back through time on multiple occasions to inconvenience Alan Scott Green Lantern.  And the domino mask?  It's a tattoo.


04.    I've said it before, "What a dickhead."  And those shoulder pads aren't helping, cochise.  Seriously, how does this guy look in a mirror and think, "I'm a kick-ass super villain, now."  So that helmet is supposed to harness space radio waves to increase his brain power, which you think would make Axel Storm stronger.  But this man picks a fight with the Justice League of America after he accidentally sends his brother to France.  How the hell does that happen?  How do you not notice the energy flowing out of your helmet and striking your brother?  Should direct more of that energy to thinking.


03.  I think I might alienate some of my loyal readers, but this is about nothing if not the truth.  It's why I use a fake name and hide my face.  Anyway, I just want it known that I like Rick Jones   From delinquent teenager responsible for creating a walking natural disaster to sidekick to every superhero in history to occasional rock singer/Captain Marvel mentor.  I just do.  Which is why this guy  made the list.  A lame version of Rick, Lucas "Snapper" Carr snapped like Bobby Badfingers when he was happy leading every one of his girlfriends to dump him pre-coitus.  He eluded possession by Starro because for some odd reason, he was covered in lime.  What was he doing, burying a body?  Anyway, he hung out as the JLA's mascot, until he disgraced himself, joined up with a super-villain and then got a job as a scientist at STAR Labs without a college education.  Now he pops up like Rick does, a normal guy with expert knowledge of superhero dynamics.  Except of course, Snapper is jobless, doesn't have a hot wife who owns a comic store, and is pretty much disregarded by the superheroes he can't seem to get away from.


02.  Okay, Alfred Pennyworth, you know, Batman's butler, he died at one point.  I know what you're thinking, that it was some Pre-Crisis(of Infinte Earths), Golden Age story with the original fat butler Batman had.  No, Alfred died, well, not dead, but into a death-like trance like most people do when shot saving friends from gangsters.  Anyway, a scientist(which nevers leads to a good thing in DC) finds his dead-like body and decides to revive the body with an experimental machine.  Alfred revives, but transforms into a being with the telekinetic ability to control anything he has touched, transmute matter, teleport, and communicate telepathically.  He announced he was "outside the human race," and called himself   Unlike Alfred, who after being defeated, lost all memory of his time as the Outsider, I cannot cut this memory out of my mind.


01.  After the rejects that have come before, how do you make it to the top of this list?  It's one thing to be poorly attired, to have the world's lamest origin, or even have the stupidest power ever conceived.  Well, the man at the top of this list has not only the lamest power ever conceived, not only the lamest origin story, not only a horrendous costume, but also that rare factor, a truly lame death.  Your number one Lamest Character in Who's Who is:


                                                            

A Special Forces veteran of the Vietnam War who suffered eye injury thanks to a grenade, Philip Reardon worked at a warehouse when thieves broke in to get at the safe.  Why was there a safe in a warehouse?  They knock him upside the head, straining his injured eyes, and when he wakes up, accidentally attacks Batman who was trying to catch the thieves.  Before you know it, a bomb put on the safe by the thieves explodes, rendering Reardon finally blind (third times the charm).  A Dr. Engstrom (just 'a', must be a lot of Engstroms in Gotham) reconnects Reardon's optic nerves to his fingertips, thus he became ten-eyed.  Blaming Batman for his own stupidity, he went after the Caped Crusader with his finger eyes and Special Forces training.  Wouldn't balling his hands into fists make him blind?  Anyway, he fought Batman twice, then got beat by Man-bat.  and the final bit of Ten-Eyed history.  He was killed during the Crisis on Infinite Earths.  Accidentally.  What a lame-ass.

And there you have it folks, the best of the worst.  And this is the penultimate chapter of my Expressions week long event.  I don't know what to write about Saturday, but I'll make it nice and long.

Later.

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The Lamest, Vol. IV

Nov. 23rd, 2006 | 04:36 pm

Back again and way earlier than usual, the List is here to remind DC of it's past mistakes.  We do this not to hurt, but to help.  Such monstrosities should never have seen the light of day.  Except to be mocked by people like you and me.  Yay!  Mocking!

Here is the first half of the top ten.  What you will see today, echoes through eternity, and for good reason.  These characters are not only ill-conceived, but have MULTIPLE appearances under their belt.  Why?  I don't know, but here they are:


10.    He has an extendable fishing rod sticking out of his bed.  That bit of phallic symbology aside, the Fisherman has the be the biggest hit to Aquaman's reputation since well, the ability to actually talk to fish.  The Fisherman didn't even don this get-up to fight Aquaman, he was a thief.  A sea thief, stealing rare objects and scientific inventions (while they were out to sea, I guess) and ran aseafood of Aquaman.  Why would you call yourself the fisherman, and not only expect to be taken seriously, but expect people to pay for your services?


09.    Apparently, years and decades of losing his kite to the Kite Eating Tree led Charles "Chuck" Brown to become a kite themed villain.  Yes, his name is Charles Brown.  And when not having his ass kicked by Batman and Robin, he gets it kicked by Hawkman, Hawkwoman and Zatanna.  Why does it take Hawkman, Hawkwoman and Zatanna to take down a clown shaking a kite at them, I don't know.  Wasn't so tough when Manheim put a bullet in him.


08.    You've been charged to create a superhero.  You have all the resources the chief research scientist of a broadcasting company can ask for and a popular nickname for the building you work in for inspiration.  How the hell did you come up with purple and green eyesore?!  And the black rock in his hand?  That's not his first weapon, he had a wand.  You should be fired, Dr. Peter Silverstone.  For that and hypnotizing your boss and his nephew into being Blackrock.  And for being so lame as to get taken down by Supergirl your first time out as Blackrock, when hypnotized, the other two guys rated Superman's involvement.


07.    The only criminal inspired by the Bat-Signal, Phil Cobb has the distinction of being the only guy to be rejected from a Gotham gang for lack of rep.  Seeing the Bat-Signal one night, he decides to become the Signalman, using signals to not only commit crimes, but to signal the Batman as well.  Like everyone else on the list, he got his assed kicked and sent to prison.  After being released, Cobbs decided to try out for the gang again, but was told his only rep was being "the guy Batman put in jail."  That rep should belong to EVERY CRIMINAL IN GOTHAM CITY, yet somehow The Signalman beat out the Cavalier, Spellbinder, Joker, Two-Face, Riddler, Catman, Killer Croc, Penguin, the Ventriloquist, Hugo Strange, Clayface I, II, & III, the Trigger Twins, the Electrocutioner, the Calculator, Calendar Man, the Spook, the Crime Doctor, Sterling Silversmith, Joe Coyne the Penny Plunderer, Deadshot, Bane, the KGBeast, Cluemaster, Mirage, Copperhead, Crazy Quilt, Dr. Phosphorus, Quakemaster, Firebug, Firefly, Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum, Killer Moth, Javelin, the Great White Shark, Mindboggler, etc., etc.  Hypocritical felons.  Anyway, Signalman had one burst of intelligence when he realized the signaling Batman about his crimes was stupid (something Riddler never learned) but that didn't stop Batman from finding him and delivering an Aparo Backhand.


06.    See if you can find out why he is called the Black Spider.  Hint: it's not his costume.


The Final Five are all set for tomorrow and they are awful, so it should make for great blogging.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, FRIENDS!!!!!!!!

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The Lamest, Vol. III

Nov. 23rd, 2006 | 12:03 am

This time, blogging people, I have numbered the esteemed members of this list making this a lot easier.  Without further ado,


15 & 14.  It's a two-for-one special with   Check this out: Marschall Saber and Henry Cannon were two of the best mob assassins in all the Mafia.  Though unconnected before, they decide to kill their bosses and set themselves up as the new boss.  Though in the supremest form of comic book irony, Saber is actually the Gunfire-looking clown with the Uzi and Jonah Hex's pistol, while Cannon is the Day-Glo Snake-Eyes.  Irony, I love it!  Damn it, I thought the Vigilante killed his enemies.


13.    Curt Swan pretty much designed every member and guest of the Legion of Super-heroes (I think, ask Scip of the Absorbascon) and with this hypno-powered Super-Hero, Security Officer, he must have been channeling his inner William Moulton Marston.  I don't know if it's the thigh high boots, the vest with no shirt or the European shorts, but I would be very uncomfortable having this guy shaking his package at me, trying to save the day.  Whoa, Aeon Flux flashback.


12.    Look at him.  His entry has him fishing himself out of the drink with the ultimate expression of "Oh, well."  And I've read his history.  A group of hippies put a suit on a dummy, it was hit by lightning, and was granted life and super-strength.  He was named Brother Power and over the course of his life ran for Congress, was imprisoned as a circus freak and forced to work in a assembly line by his arch-enemy Lord Sliderule.  Yeah, that's right.  Sliderule   Know where he is now?  Orbiting Earth after hiding out in a experimental missile.  The worst part?  He had his own series 


11.    Let's say you kidnapped a hero (say, Lightning Lad) and used him or her to find something rare and valuable that you needed (say, rejuvium, an appropriately named element).  Why, oh why, would you dress him in this god awful purple armor and lame Red Manta helmet?  And if you needed a rare element, why would you kidnap Lightning Lad, instead of, oh I don't know, ELEMENT LAD?  Eventually, The Finger (as his friends call him) started wearing the armor himself, and Dr. Lars Hanscom (weird name for a 30th century guy) has the distinction of being the most cowardly villain of the future.  He only fights through other people or means, kind of like Bush.  Yeah, I went there.


In the bag and done for the night, I will post 6-10 even on the holiday because I'm committed to people hearing what I have to say.  I haven't quite found THE lamest, but I got a few leads.  And I don't know what to write for Saturday, but I'm sure something will come to me.

Later.

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